Professor ‘discovers’ world where every movie is a Police Academy movie

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Brian Cox UniverseProfessor Brian Cox spoke with insipid wonderment today on the certainty that a world exists where every movie is a Police Academy movie.

Cox filmed himself standing in the middle of a desert, gazing up at the sky while he imparted his theory.

“Quantum theory shows us quite clearly that there is an infinite number of worlds, with an infinite number of variations. This means that there is a world out there, exactly like our own, but where every movie ever made is a Police Academy movie.”

“And it so follows that instead of staring Steve Guttenburg and Bubba Smith, each film stars Paul Walker in a multitude of roles.”

“And that they must be up to something, now, like Police Academy 7006: Undertrained Idiots Filling Out Forms All Day, and that the series will have started to diminish in quality.”

Cox has agreed a deal with the NBC to turn his theory into a three-part series, with an accompanying book and other such bollocks.

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Theory describes a reality in which a particle can be in several places at once and moves from one place to another by exploring the entire universe simultaneously, and it so follows that Police Academy 7 is still the worst of the series

 

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Allen-Stallone-Cruz sex change romance picked up by Paramount

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movie_rumors_allen_cruz_stalloneDistribution rights to the untitled sex change romance in which Sylvester Stallone undergoes a transgender operation and becomes Penelope Cruz (still voiced by Stallone) so that he can date Woody Allen have been picked up by Paramount.

“When my character finds out that his lady friend used to be Sylvester Stallone, he feels betrayed,” explained Allen at a press conference. “But by that time he’s already addicted to her baps.”

“His baps,” corrected Stallone.

“We’re thinking of calling it The Expendaballs,” Allen quipped.

And Stallone broke Allen’s nose.

The Black List 2012

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Eddie-Murphy-movie-rumorsThe Black List was compiled from the suggestions of over 300 film executives, each of whom contributed the name of their favorite black person working in Hollywood.

This year, blacks had to receive at least six mentions to be included on The Black List.

All reasonable effort has been made to confirm the information contained herein. The Black List apologizes for all misspellings, misattributions, incorrect representation identification, and questionable ethnic affiliations.

It has been said many times, but it’s worth repeating:

The Black List is not a “best of” list. It is, at best, a “most liked” list.

Here’s this year’s list in full:

1. Denzel Washington – serious roles
2. Samuel L. Jackson – silly roles
3. Sidney Poitier – possibly dead
4. Mike Tyson – cameos
5. Rihanna – sinks Battleships
6. Will Smith – actor
7. Jada Pinkett Smith – wife to Will Smith
8. Will Smith‘s son
9. Will Smith‘s daughter
10. Matthew Lawrence – plays multiple roles
11. Damon Wayons – plays multiple brothers
12. Halle Berry – plays multiple orgasms
13. Edward Murphy – comic foil to Gene Wilder
14. Morgan Freeman – likes to play God
15. Chris Rock – is no Edward Murphy
16. President Barack Obama – to play Denzel Washington in forthcoming biopic
17. The Rock – actual person, totally harmless

Fall Guy movie not happening

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The_Fall_Guy_MovieSony’s unconfirmed big screen adaptation of 80s TV series, The Fall Guy, is not happening according to sources in Hollywood.

The Fall Guy followed the adventures of Colt Seavers, played by Bionic-Man (not literally) Lee Majors, who may have been a bounty hunter or a stunt man, if memory serves us correct, and who definitely had a great theme tune and a fantastic truck.

Sony had this to say about the non-awaited adaptation earlier today:

No, we haven’t any plans to adapt The Fall Guy as a movie. We haven’t heard of anyone else interested in the property, either. I really wish Movie-Rumors would stop bringing it up, in fact, because we’re all very busy here, and can’t be picking-up our phones all day to answer what is quite literally, nonsense.”

Angelina Jolie is bored

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Angelina Jolie is bored today, Movie-Rumors can exclusively reveal.

We called Jolie up at her hotel in Prague where she will resume filming Salt 2 after the weekend break, to find that the sexy actress really didn’t feel like doing anything.

“I don’t want to watch TV,” Jolie told us. “I don’t feel like reading a book. Can’t go out ’cause I’ll be recognised. Can’t call anyone ’cause of the time difference.”

“I may get something to eat later. Am I even hungry?”

Salt 2 will be released in 2014.

Bing Crosby hologram to feature in erotic thriller

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bing_crosby_new-filmBing Crosby‘s trademark bass-baritone voice made him one of the best-selling recording artists of the 20th century, with over half a billion records in circulation by the time of his death in 1977.

Now he’s back, in the upcoming erotic thriller, Night Stalker, from Joe Eszterhas.

The script, originally written as Basic Instinct 3, features a lonely private eye who roams the streets at night, solving mysteries and having sex.

Crosby will be rendered as a holographic image of himself using technology recently adopted to ressurect Tupac Shakur at a Snoop Dogg concert.

When asked why he had gone to such lengths to cast Bing Crosby in the movie, Eszterhas joked, “It was either that or give Sharon Stone another face-lift.”

New Masters of the Universe movie to focus on Skeletor

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skeletor-new-masters-of-the-universe-movieSony Pictures have had a breakthrough, it seems, in bringing the Masters of the Universe property back to the big screen, by deciding to focus the new movie on the main villain, Skeletor.

A new film adaptation of the 1980s toy-line, which featured He-Man, “the most powerful man in the Universe,” had been stuck in development hell in recent years, being shifted from studio to studio, with various writers and directors attached along the way.

The franchise achieved massive success with its adaptation as a 1980s cartoon series by Filmation, but did less well as a 1987 live action movie, which may have contributed to the delay in getting the new film off the ground.

Now, with the new movie being built around the “leader of the evil warriors” Skeletor, it looks like we’ll be seeing the battles of the Masters of the Universe on the big screen, soon.

Here’s an extract from the official Sony Pictures press release:

Skeletor is clearly the more interesting character in the franchise and we believe that by focusing on this complex individual we’ll really be able to re-open the property to a global audience. We’ll be exploring the psychopathy of the character. He clearly suffers from Narcissistic Entitlement Syndrome, believing that the Universe and everything in it should be under his command. He’s also prone to violent outbursts if he doesn’t get his way, a classic sufferer of Intermittent Explosive Disorder. When we catch up with Skeletor, he’s married and has children, and is rather suppressed by his wife Evil-Lyn. It’s the perfect opportunity for us to delve into the mind of the villain, held there under our microscope, as he juggles work in Snake-mountan with the demands of fatherhood. We also suggest that Skeletor is a repressed homosexual, and that he harks for a romantic union with the one he calls Beast-Man.

Star Wars films are boring, thinks George Lucas

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movie_rumors_star_wars“I never watch my own work,” George Lucas told Variety this week, “but my cousin made me sit down and watch the first trilogy in the Start Wars series and it was like being locked in a sadistic Japanese torture camp.”

The director went on to describe how he was looking for a way out of his cousin’s living room as soon as he saw a lengthy text introduction scroll up the screen, which gave warning of the “total nonsense” set to follow.

When told by the interviewer that the follow-up trilogy was even worse, Lucas is said to have wept quietly into a napkin.

Team behind Jackass 3D to adapt The Bible

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The team behind Jackass 3D said they were looking for something more serious following their success with the prank-stunt trilogy, and it looks like they’ve found it, with The Bible.

Johnny Knoxville and his “buds” will bring the epic adaptation to the big screen for a wide release.

When asked which of the Jackass team would be playing Jesus, Knoxville smashed his fist into his own face and laughed wildly, which we think answers the question.

Man stuck humming theme to Superman, not alone

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movie_rumors_supermanDoctors at UCLA medical centre have observed that Mr. Barry Lenslo, of Brentwood, California, who is stuck humming the theme from Superman 24 hours a day, is not alone in his condition.

Apparently Lenslo, who began humming the theme during a viewing of the classic 1978 movie on TNT, and never stopped, is just one of many individuals treated at the medical centre with the same condition.

Lenslo’s condition hasn’t affected his day to day life, despite his humming of the classic John Williams score at more intimate moments of the day, such as during love making. “Although it does set unrealistic expectations,” joked Lenslo.

Sylvester Stallone spotted in Vatican painting

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stallone-in-vatican-paintingA visitor to Vatican City was stunned when he found the subject of a Raphael masterpiece to be Hollywood actor Sylvester Stallone.

Stallone was spotted by Harvard student Anthony Zonfrell, 20, who was on holiday in Italy with his family.

He said: “My cousin had told us about how she had seen it when she went, so we were on the lookout.

“As soon as we saw the painting, we knew it was him. My whole family went into shock. My mother was taken to hospital. The whole Vatican had to be evacuated.”

When Anthony, who is from the US, returned from his holiday he uploaded the photograph to community website Reddit.

It has become a viral hit, having been viewed more than 700,000 times.

Anthony added: “I posted it at night, and when I woke up it was on the front page.

“I was shocked at the response it got, it really blew up quite fast. All of the comments were interesting. We’re still unsure how Stallone could appear in a painting completed in the 16th century. Has he uncovered the secret of time travel? Is he an angel?”

The Cardinal and Theological Virtues is a 1511 fresco adorning one of the Raphael Rooms at the Vatican.

It depicts Pope Gregory IX approving the Vatical Decretals with Hollywood hard-man Sylvester Stallone, 65, looking on.

Raphael was commissioned to decorate four reception rooms in the Apostolic Palace in the Vatican City.

They later became known as the ‘Stanze di Raffaello’, which means Raphael Rooms.

The Cardinal and Theological Virtues, which was painted in 1511 and represents a combination of law and religion, makes up one wall in the ‘Stanza della Segnatura’ room.

It is thought Raphael, who lived from 1483 until 1520, only sketched the outline of the fresco, with team member Lorenzo Lotto carrying out the Stallone paintwork.

As soon as news broke of the disturbance in the Vatican, Stallone was taken by the US government to a secure location for testing. The star of such hits as, Rocky and Rambo, and the upcoming Expendables 2 & 3, hasn’t been seen since.

Wahlberg close to pulling out of Big Jim movie following fan uprising

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mark_wahlberg_big_jimMark Wahlberg is close to pulling out of the big screen adaptation of classic toy-line, Big Jim, following an outpouring of fan discontent at his casting.

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Wahlberg was in line to play the title character, Big Jim, the “basic” good guy leader and an average Caucasian male with no other distinguishable characteristics, except having a permanent good attitude and joy for life.

He was also set to take on board additional roles, including Big Josh, effectively Big Jim with a beard, one of Jim’s best friends, and positioned as the tough guy among the group, as well as Big Jeff, Big Jim’s third buddy, an Australian kind of blond type.

Fans feel that Wahlberg is too short to do justice to the role(s).

They have given a big thumbs up, however, to Denzel Washington, who will bring a degree of gravitas to the role of Big Jack, an African American character with a friendly attitude.

5-D Coming Soon to a Theater Near You

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Hulk-5D-movie-experienceIt wasn’t too long ago that good 3D felt like cutting-edge technology, but apparently those three measly dimensions are no longer enough to impress the moviegoing public. At least, that’s the thinking of the South Korean conglomerate CJ Group, which plans to bring its 5D system to our shores this year, skipping the concept of 4D entirely.

Whereas 2D and 3D movies rely mostly on sight and sound to draw audiences in, 5D is a more immersive sensory experience — imagine actually feeling the spray of the ocean or the shaking of an earthquake as characters experience them onscreen, or smelling the roses during the finale’s grand romantic gesture.

The company, which operates Asia’s biggest chain of movie theaters, has already set up some 29 specialty theaters in South Korea, Thailand, and Mexico, showing Hollywood hits like Avatar and Prometheus in 5D to sold-out crowds. But now they’re looking to expand into Hollywood itself, with plans to install the 5D system in Los Angeles, New York, and other major American markets this year. They’ve already released a trailor for the new system:

According to the LA Times, the CJ Group has opened up a lab in LA to showcase its 5DX system. The company is nearing a deal with a major U.S. chain to install almost 200 5D theaters over the next five years, in locations all across the country. Setting up a 5D theater costs about $2 million, with exhibitors paying for about half of that, but the CJ Group says that the theaters are so popular that they quickly make up for the price of installation.

No doubt they’re helped by the premium ticket prices that accompany these plush theatergoing experiences — admission to a 5D screening will cost about $8 more than a normal 2D ticket. Still, Mexican chain Cinepolis attests that their customers love CJ’s 5D system. “If you try to get a ticket on an opening night, tickets are sold out,” observes Cinepolis brand director Luis Villavicencio. He says his 5D theaters do two to three times more business than an ordinary theater — music to the ears of Hollywood execs desperate to boost sagging attendance.

CJ isn’t the first group to try and enhance movie-watching by involving the other senses, and it isn’t the last. Canada’s D-Box Technologies, for example, currently has about 100 locations in the U.S. with moving seats, and theme park attractions like Universal Studios’ new Transformers: The Ride offer similar features. Over the decades, movie theaters have also installed buzzers, vibrating bass speakers, and Smell-O-Vision.

CJ’s theaters will feature moving seats (up to 240 in each theater), giant fans, and strobe lights, along with nozzles that spray mist, water, bubbles, or even scents. Their catalog of odors includes about 1,000 different smells, and runs the gamut from “burning rubber” and “gunpowder” to “rose garden” and “coffee.” It takes programmers about two to three weeks to add in the effects, using special software that can control how hard the fans blow or how violently the seats shake. “You don’t want to sensory-overload the audience,” says programmer Catherine Yi. “You have to know when to draw the line and when less is more.”

Discuss: Would you watch a movie in 5D?

Star Wars fans can now freeze themselves in carbonite

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star-wars-fan-in-carboniteEver fancied seeing how you’d look frozen in carbonite? Well, Walt Disney World will soon let you follow in Han Solo’s misty footsteps from Star Wars: Episode V – The Empire Strikes Back.

The annual Star Wars weekends held at the Florida park are coming up this month, and this year they’re allowing visitors to freeze themselves, or loved ones, in carbonite.

Visitors will have to book ahead, and here’s how they’re selling the experience:

“Guests will step into a ‘carbon freezing chamber’, where cutting edge technology will freeze the whole body for a specified amount of time. A light-up wristband is also included.”

Newlyweds Bill and Laura Turner from Tuscany, Arizona, have already signed up for the experience. Here’s what Laura had to say:

“We got married in Las Vegas last month and we were thinking, how we gonna top that? Then Bill had this idea, he’s a big Star Wars fan, and he says, how ‘bout we get frozen in carbonite? We’re going to be woken up in the year 2212 for our two hundredth wedding anniversary. It’s kinda romantic.”

Well, the light-up wristband sold it for us. Are you tempted to get frozen in carbonite?

James Cameron to make Gorgonbula documentary

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James Cameron assimilates amongst the Gorgonbula tribe

Titanic director James Cameron will make a documentary on secretive African tribe, the Gorgonbulas, between the filming of Avatar 2 & 3.

While the Gorgonbulas have yet to be exposed on film, M.E. Chamberlain provides a detailed account of the tribe in his text, The Scramble for Africa:

One of the most colourful North African tribes of this time, are the Gorgonbulas, from Ethiopia.

Equipped only with face-paint and spears, the Gorgonbulas would respond to an attack by hiding, usually behind a bush, or some other sun baked vegetation.

Invariably, the rival tribe, or European imperialist armies, would spot the Gorgonbula tribe huddled behind the shrub, and give chase.

Through an unwavering reliance on hiding and running away, the Gorgonbulas flourished during the late 19th century, until, growing in confidence, they ventured too far north, only to be wiped out by Italy’s small soldiers.”

It is thought that Cameron may have drawn inspiration from the Gorgonbulas in his rendering of the peaceful Na’vi people in Avatar.

John Travolta will narrate the documentary.

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John Travolta dancing with the Gorgonbulas

Tom Cruise pulls family of five from burning car

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tom-cruise-movie rumorsTom Cruise pulled a family of five from their burning car last night, his press agent would like us to believe.

“If you could just believe that Tom dove into a burning car at the last minute to pull out a family of five, that would be great,” Maria Telavino told journalists at a press conference today.

“And if you could imagine him using his incredibly long limbs to unhook the seatbelts and maybe him giving mouth to mouth to a couple of the family members, in a very heterosexual way, that would be perfect.”

It’s not the first time Telavino has asked us to believe Cruise had done something incredibly brave, tall and heterosexual.

Last year, she told us to believe that Cruise had won the NBA Championships, by himself, despite being 45 down to the Lakers in the first quarter.

Final score: Lakers 45 – Cruise 206.

And the year before that, we were requested to accept that while on holiday, Cruise had impregnated a dangerous tribe of Amazonian giantesses.

And that each giantess was now expecting twins.

Depp to play Clinton as weird little poof

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clintonJohnny Depp has taken the controversial decision to portray president Bill Clinton as a weird little poof in Oliver Stone‘s upcoming biopic Clinton.

“I wanted to interpret Clinton through modern terminology,” explained the genius actor to Variety, “so I gave him a soppy walk and a Rastafarian drag costume. I’ll be portraying him slightly Goth, with eyeliner, and it’ll be a historical reinterpretation in that I’ll be bringing in an element of cross dressing.”

Director, Stone, was unavailable for comment.

Bay admits he can’t follow the plot of his own films

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movie_rumors_michael_bayHollywood director, Michael Bay, admits that even he finds it difficult to follow the plots of his own films.

Even during the filming of Transformers 3, there were moments where I lost it. I was like, whoa, what’s going on here? There was this shit flying over my head, like camera men on cranes and shit, and things blowing up, like the catering truck, and I just had to close my eyes and block my ears for long periods of the shoot.”

Bay also announced that his next film, Gone with the Wind 2, will employ the use of stop-motion animation.

Christopher Nolan interview: Robin almost certainly in new Batman movie The Dark Knight Rises

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christopher-nolan-interviewMovie-Rumors caught up with Christopher Nolan today for an exclusive interview with the acclaimed director, in which all is revealed about Robin’s presence in The Dark Knight Rises .

Here’s the interview in full (Warning: Spoilers):

Movie-Rumors (MR): So, Christopher, we take it Robin has an important part to play in The Dark Knight Rises?

Christopher Nolan (CN): I don’t want to give too many details away at this point.

MR: So you don’t deny it!

CN: Deny what?

MR: When Robin joins Batman in fisticuffs with the baddies, do we get “Kapow” splashed across screen?

CN: I think you’ve misunderstood.

MR: Have you gone for a darker, grounded in reality Boy Wonder Robin?

CN: I didn’t say Robin was in this film.

MR: Do you anticipate a spin-off from this movie focusing more on Robin?

CN: Robin hasn’t invaded my consciousness to the degree that he’s invaded yours.

MR: Does Catwoman fall in love with Robin?

CN:

MR: If not, say no. If yes, say nothing.

CN:

MR: That’s what we thought!